Editorial Director, R.T. Jordan
Author, The Polly Pepper Mystery Series

We’ve all read the headline-making stories of Mother Mary dropping by unannounced and making official appearances (usually in low-rent housing projects and double-wide trailer parks) on frosty window panes or car port oil stains or the mold on a brick of Cracker Barrel Monterey Jack cheese. We always sorta sniggered at such phenomena. However …

Ice Cold Mary

Oily Mary

A curious thing occurred while we were hosting a game of “Animal, Mineral, Vegetable” in the Men’s bathroom at the BRUISES THE GIN offices the other day. There, in plain sight, on the travertine tile floor under the urinal, right where the vision of Ella Fitzgerald wearing a curly blonde wig and eating a banana used to be, was the honest to goodness likeness of sweet Baby Jesus’ natural birth mama!

Alas, the apostates on staff were unable to recognize the obvious. Our editorial director, R.T. Jordan, insisted that the most famous virgin in the world probably doesn’t play Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, unless it’s to lend her name to instigate wars, or pose as the poster Mom for the murder a few million heretics. 

Ben Tyler pointed out that the janitorial staff hadn’t been in the room in months and admonished that we shouldn’t judge by appearances. That the depiction could simply be a congregation of bacteria. 

R.T. continued to pooh-pooh the so-called “representation” on the floor tile under the pee-pee trough as no more her divine Maryness than Martinelli’s sparkling cider is Dom Pérignon.

But isn’t that the way religious riddles and Pastor Robert Jeffress‘ ideologies work? Not everyone is expected to get the jokes (especially, apparently, Mormons and Islamists and Hindus and Buddhists who, according to Jeffress are all members of cults.).

Alas, the “Mary tile” proved too powerful. With the excuse that this was a sign from the cosmos that they should be working for Landover Baptist Church.com, most of the staff decided that BRUISES THE GIN would go on hiatus, at least until R.T. could afford a stone mason to replace the scary Mary tile (and to pay them for their work over the past six months). Therefore, until further notice it appears to be the will of Allah and Muhammad and Vishnu and definitely Michelle and Marcus Backmann, that BTG takes a holiday.

In the meantime, those of us who are left will be working tirelessly to kick the shitout of whoever gets the Republican presidential nomination.

We’ll keep all of our previous editions of BRUISES THE GIN archived. So check
back and get irritated, self-righteous and intolerant all over again. We’ll still read your e-mails, so remind us often of what we’ve been told a thousand times about some silliness called “blasphemy,” “dissrespect,” “profanation” and “sacrilege.” Woo-hoo!

Klaatu barada nikto!




  1. Andrew Beierle says:

    What will I do without my biweekly BTG fix? BTG is like a martini with a dash of vinegar instead of vermouth! It puts the bee in my bonnet! Are you sure that someone on staff has not absconded with your assets and gone to Cabo? May your hiatus be brief and your return swift and glamorous!

  2. Say it ain’t so, Joe. (I mean R.T. Ben & Company). Those priceless interviews,no more,or at least on hiatrus. The delightful movie dancer, the plucky p.r. person, the determined Michigan homeless person–thank G-d he found a job; he was being rooted for. The ensemble, as well as the editor will be missed. What then of the unrestrained fearless comments that our fearless spokesman makes? Especially for some of us bashful folks who only think these things, but for whatever constraints dare not speak out. We hope this is merely temporary. It has been a great ride, and I have enjoyed it.

    • Many thanks, Dear Reader,

      We, too, will miss the opportunity to play the radical heretic! Perhaps in the near future (since that dunderhead Harold Camping’s latest end of the world prediction didn’t come to pass on Friday) we’ll be back on line and stirring the pot of anarchy.

      We absolutely SINCERELY appreciate your loyalty, and all the kind words you’ve expressed over the past few months. What a blast!


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