STIR, NEVER SHAKE …

BRUISES THE GIN

The arts and entertainment page of http://www.rtjordan.com

Holy, Moly! We’re almost live (on July 15, 2011)!

Welcome to the pre-launch of BRUISES THE GIN, the bi-weekly arts and entertainment section of Rtjordan.com.

What can you worry about finding at BRUISES  THE GIN? Oh, how about enlightening interviews with celebrities, writers, artists and anyone with an interesting take on moving through this shared condition we call being human. Compelling, quirky, hopefully a little perverted and always thought-provoking, BRUISES THE GIN is like the old “Merv Griffin Show,” but without the band––and the dead host.

Whether it’s a question and answer chat with a fave author of mine, or a conversation with an old movie star you thought was long dead (Jane Russell just missed that boat), or a serious essay about how to cope with bi-polar bosses (haven’t we all had our fair share?), or gossip heard ‘round the studio commissaries in H’wood, BRUISES THE GIN is determined to tell you something that you didn’t know you wanted to know, or in some cases, wish you hadn’t been told (yes, that is a full hair piece that William Shatner wears. Yawn.)!

Oh, and just for fun, my almost anonymous stalker will contribute a column (when he’s not under house arrest with Lindsay) appropriately titled PROWLER. He’s apparently a showbiz freak and insider (must be a record industry guy). He’ll answer readers’ queries about “whatever happened to …” and sling a bit o’ mud at (you can fill in the blind item name here). He promises dish!

From time to time, readers of BRUISES THE GIN will also have opportunities to win fab (sur)prizes. We’re not promising first class accommodations at the Dubai Hilton, but how ‘bout a galley of a soon-to-be published book or a movie poster or a sample of some cool product that doesn’t come with warnings about erections lasting more than four hours. Fun stuff that you may not even know exists.

Of course when I discover an amazing new artist, author, movie, play, cast album, restaurant, etc. you’ll be the first to know. I tend to shove fabu down the throats of those who don’t pay attention!

Here’s a preview of some of the stories we’re working on for you.

ALONE AT LAST: POST RAPTURE SURVIVAL: If Jesus (or Harold Camping) didn’t notice you missing from the End Times Roster and you were left behind on Spaceship Earth, which books, CDs, paintings or psychotropic meds would you need to keep you and the roaches from freakin’ out for a week or two?  Read what some celebs and/or pop culture know-it-all’s tell us they couldn’t make it without. (Karen Carpenter may be OD-ing on Ex-Lax and playing a harp instead of a drum kit, but she’d be my security blanket in the days following “ever after.”).

CONFESSIONS OF A DENTAL HYGIENIST: Admit it. A pretty woman scraping your gums or picking a grilled cheese sandwich from between your lateral incisor and canine cusped isn’t a lot of laughs.  Or is it? This story promises to be a hoot. Find out what the heck your hygienist thinks of your coated tongue and herpes chancre.  By the way, she knows you’re lying when you say you floss twice a day!

BITE ME!: Pop culture has taken all the savage blood lust out of the vampires we used to love to have scare the bejesus out of us. We’re tired of lovelorn twinks who glitter in the sunlight instead of bursting into flames the way Gothic lore says they’re supposed to. Hear from a Hollywood writer who promises to give us back our macho monsters. For sure we can start with the new “Fright Night.” I’ve seen the flick (at Spielberg’s bungalow on the Universal lot, no less)! I assure you, sexy Colin Farrell as a damn big …  fang!

A PRAYER FOR PALIN.  We at BRUISES THE GIN won’t back away from stupidity.  As writer Ben Tyler pleads in his essay: “Please dear God, make Sarah Palin run for president!”

“Of course, she can [win],” Senator John McCain said on “Fox News Sunday” this morning [well, recently]. “She can. Now, whether she will or not, whether she’ll even run or not, I don’t know.”

Tyler continues, “I beg you, dear (fill in the deity name), we need Sarah Palin if only because America is tired of feeling dumber than bread. Our leader is too smart, speaks with an elevated vocabulary and happens to be married to another brainiac. Both are sexy as hell, too. America doesn’t feel worthy of having a leader with intellect and integrity.  We need someone with a trade, one who knows how to filet a salmon! And put lipstick on a moose!”

At BRUISES THE GIN, we strive for fun, but we love controversy, if not down right anarchy! Meet us back here on July 15th for the debut edition. Oh, and the horoscope section will let you know if it’s safer to reach into a drain pipe teeming with black widow spiders, or accept that Match.com date! (They’re both about the same.)

To get this kick-ass party off to a groovy start, to everyone who sends an e-mail comment before the official launch date of BRUISES THE GIN,  we’ll send you … well, something special. It’s a surprise. (Don’t forget to include your mailing address!)

More soon!

R.T. Jordan

http://www.Rtjordan.com

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Comments

  1. Andrew Beierle says:

    Can’t wait to see what your acid tongue and pitch perfect sense of comedy come up with!!!

  2. Sounds like a lot of fun. It will be interesting to see how long before your first lawsuit. Because I know you like to name the people who annoy you the most. Maybe you should just refer to them by initials. I don’t want you shut down too quickly. Can’t wait to hear what u thought of Colin Farrell in FRIGHT NIGHT!

    • Very funny, Kevin. Yeah, I do get my jollies in a freaky way. As for Colin Farrell in “Fright Night,” he’s terrific! As us David Tennant! The film is wonderful too! I’m not generally into horror flicks, but this one has a lot of comedy, as well. Fun escapism!

  3. This blog is going to be so much fun! Can’t wait!!!!!

    • Thanks so much, Dorothy! This is a labor of love, and you know I always have to have a project! Looking forward to seeing you at Laura Levine’s launch of her much anticipated new novel PAMPERED TO DEATH!!! And I’m having sooo much fun with your wonderful CLUTCHES AND CURSES! Fantastic title!

  4. Congratulations, my dear, amazing, brilliant friend. Your writing is artfully perceptive, delightfully witty — It’s always fun to be on the page with Richard!

    Julia Oliver

  5. Evon Coffman says:

    Richard – this sounds really great! Cheers to you! Love ya, Evon

  6. I LOVE THIS BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re a genius, Richard, which of course I already knew. I can’t wait to follow this blog!!!!!!

    Lis

  7. brian perry says:

    Dear BTG:
    When a blog begins life six feet under, there’s no where to go but up!
    Consider me a charter subscriber.
    BTW, do the blog initials actually imply this is a Ben Tyler Gag?

    • Ha! BTG = Ben Tyler Gag! Good one, Brian! Who knows when Ben Tyler may once again come forward and spread his brand of lasciviousness around humankind! Ol’ Ben still sells books, so I’m grateful!!!!

      Thanks again for taking the time to read the debut edition of BTG! C’mon out to the Studio for lunch again soon. Please?!

  8. jackie joseph-lawrence says:

    Richard, you rogue, you are the prime example of doing and not just talking. You again have managed to capture your rascal-ness and share the silly and profound. As always, I am your follower. Love and admiration,
    Jackie Joseph-Lawrence

    • I am a rascal, aren’t I. Ha! Thanks, Jackie. I wonder why I get such a kick out of being irreverent. Perhaps it’s because I just don’t like to take life too seriously. Thanks again for reading BRUISES THE GIN. There’s more where that came from! Ha!

  9. Dear R.T. Jordan… Years ago, we had Mark Twain,Robert Benchley, Will Rogers, Herb Caen and Erma Bombeck (yes, Erma Bombeck…But with you we have now have a contemporary version of these sterling souls, with a touch of fermented zaniness…it must be the Veuve Cliquot or Merlot!. Happy writing, my friend, as we are your beneficiaries…Richard

    • OMG! Richard! What an incredibly lovely thing to say! I’m really overwhelmed by your response, and what so many others have had to say. The fact is, I always need a writing project, and I’m having so much fun with this blog! I LOVE being irreverent, and I suppose I’ll eventually offend a few readers, but I sort of look forward to that. Ha!

      Thanks again, for your generous observations! I’ll work hard to keep the quality of BRUISES THE GIN as high as possible.

  10. Francene LaDue says:

    Three green olives, please. Congrats Dear Richard on your Ezine…I mean blog. xox

  11. My dear Mr. Jordan:
    Thank you so much for including me in your readership. “At last” I audibly sighed, a website with wit and glamor. P.S. NPH is my celebrity crush… not just for his stellar hosting of the Tony’s (the first time I’ve watched in years), but also because he’s the president of our little Magic Castle up in the Hollywood Hills. I sigh again… what can I say? Magicians get me everytime!

    • Many thanks for the kind words, Kat! As for NPH, your “secret crush” is mine as well! Ha! I don’t think there’s any limit to his talents! Didn’t know he was a magician too! Shoulda figured!

      I sincerely hope you’ll subscribe and keep reading BRUISES THE GIN. We published twice a month, with the next one scheduled for Thursday 9/1.

      Again, great to hear from you!

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